I always had in the back of my head that having a family might not be straight forward for me. I don’t know why- call it instinct maybe. When we got married we started trying straight away, my reasoning being we were already in our thirties and if there were problems then we would need time on our side. We got pregnant on the second month of trying and were thrilled. For some reason I could not get excited. At 6 weeks pregnant I started spotting in the staff toilet at work. My heart pounding I rang John. He picked me up and we went to the local hospital. I was scanned, there was the baby but no heart beat. I was told to rest and to come back in 2 weeks. I stayed in bed, despairing with any spotting and praying so very hard that my baby would stay with me. Sadly it was not meant to be and at nearly 8 weeks I miscarried. In the following 2 weeks after this I kept getting bouts of severe left sided pain. I went into the local hospital 3 times with this pain. I was scanned, I asked the doctor on each occasion to check my fallopian tubes, on each occasion this was dismissed. At the third scan John was told that I was not dealing with the miscarriage, that the pain was in my head and that we should take a break. We went to knock where the pain returned necessitating a pain relief injection from the local GP. After this I was pain free for a few days, decided that whatever was wrong had corrected itself and we decided to go to New York. I did wonder if maybe the doctors were right all along and that maybe the pain was in my head. The evening before the flight we were booking into the airport hotel and the pain returned. Excusing myself I went to the ladies and doubled up in pain. When it passed I came back out to the lobby, and collapsed. An ambulance brought me initially to Beaumont where John was told that I was very ill. From there I was brought to the Rotunda. A midwife did a scan and her face fell. Looking at the monitor we saw a perfect little baby, but in my left fallopian tube. I had an emergency laparoscopy, my tube had begun to rupture and I had internal bleeding.. The baby and tube were removed. In the space of a month I had lost twins, and a tube. The surgeon explained that I had had a heterotopic pregnancy, extremely rare. It is more common in ivf pregnancies but even then extremely rare and virtually unheard of when a pregnancy is not a result of ivf. It occurs typically in one pregnancy out of every 300,000 pregnancies.

Never one to lose hope we began trying soon afterwards. After an early miscarriage I became pregnant again and our son was born less than a year after the ectopic surgery. Two devastating miscarriage later and our daughter was born. I once despaired of having this little family but the stats of everything working out were always in my favour, even after losing a tube. As I type my son has his arm around his little sister and they are cheek to cheek, the best of friends, looking at the birds out in the back garden. He is very protective of her because she is not used to this walking lark and keeps falling on her bum. I’m pretty sure there are a few little angels in the room with us also.

I always knew having children for me wouldn’t have been a straight forward thing. Even though there is no apparent connection, in my family quite a few female members are childless. So I was not new to infertility. When I met my husband and we eventually decided to get married to start a family I was 32. No big deal, plenty of women have children in their thirties, right? We started trying even before the wedding in November 2006. By the time it was summer 07 we had done some tests which showed low sperm count and motility, but nothing too upsetting just yet. I appeared to be fine. We gave it another few months and in December 07 I went for a laparoscopy and D&C to see if my tubes were open and if I had anything else potentially impeding a pregnancy. Everything checked out just fine a part some mild endometriosis which did not concern my gyno particularly. They tell you the two-three months after a D&C are the most fertile as your uterus is very receptive. Not such a thing for us.

In May 2008 we decided it was time to get serious help and became officially an infertile couple at a fertility clinic.

A new spermiogramme showed much worse numbers and we were fast tracked to IVF with ICSI. It was a major blow for me. I thought we would have been ok with an IUI and I actually insisted to try that first. The clinic told us it would have been a waste of time and money but sure, we were willing to try and we did. As predicted it did not work. By then I kind of got used to the idea that to have a family we needed the heavy weapons and I was ready to take the plunge with the IVF business. In August 2008 I started my first IVF with ICSI cycle, everything went brilliantly, I responded great to the stimulation, they got 16 eggs, 14 of which were mature and all fertilized. I had a day-3 transfer and 9 frozen embryos. We were flying high. 13 days after the transfer I tested positive. It was the faintest positive you can think of but it was there. I went in for a blood test to check my HCG and my joy was shattered by a very low number. The doctors at the clinic were brilliant though, they said it could be normal and to repeat the blood-test a few days later. The number incredibly rose as expected still a bit on the low side of normal but I was definitely pregnant. At 5 weeks I started spotting. I did not feel well and I had the strong feeling that something was wrong. The spotting was very light and it stopped by increasing the progesterone I was on as part of the protocol, although I was concerned there was little I could do. At 6 weeks I spotted again, I went in for another blood-test, my HCG had increased as expected, still low though but definitely doubling as it should have. The doctor at the clinic was concerned it could have been a non viable pregnancy and wanted me to go in for a scan just a couple of days later. The night before the scan I was very unwell. I had pain in my left side, I slept very little and could not find a comfortable position. In the morning, while having a shower, I felt so dizzy I almost passed out. As I arrived at the clinic with my husband, the doctor knew immediately there I was unwell, she scanned me and could not find anything in the uterus. For me it was a relief. I knew there was something wrong with the pregnancy, I just needed someone to believe me. The doctor thought I may have miscarried and took another blood-test which should have shown falling HCG levels. They did not fall at all. As soon as she got the results she phoned me to tell me she had a strong suspect it was an ectopic pregnancy and to go straight to the hospital. My World just fell apart. I could have dealt with a miscarriage, so many pregnancies end early, it was normal…but an ectopic?? With IVF?? How did it happen? Despite all the research I had done, this possibility never crossed my mind. I had surgery just one day short of 7 weeks, the ectopic had not ruptured but they removed my left tube. Most of the talks I was given at the hospital were about the fact that I could still get pregnant “naturally” and that worst case scenario there was IVF…yes how about that…THIS one was an IVF pregnancy. As soon as I mentioned it was and IVF pregnancy everyone was speechless. Infertility was not was scared me, I was already in that category. I could not believe this happened to us.

Of course I researched much more after the experience and actually found out that ectopics with IVF have a higher incidence than in natural pregnancies. Go figure.

Fast forward to 2009, August. By then, we had had two frozen transfer which did not take, and I went for my second fresh cycle. Again, I responded well, we agreed on a milder stimulation and we had 2 blastocysts transferred on day 5. Nothing to freeze this time around. I had some spotting in the two weeks after the transfer, I thought it had failed. I tested 10 days after transfer and a strong second line came up in the test. Unbelievable, I was pregnant again. This time had to go well. I went to the clinic immediately, sobbing uncontrollably, they did my HCG and the number was good, much better than the last time, and 4 days later it was 10 times higher. I was over the moon. I booked a scan at the hospital in the EAPU, they would only take me in at 7 weeks, it did not matter I had an ectopic before. But at 5 weeks… I started bleeding. Again. It was a Friday evening. I called the hospital where I had been before in tears, they were very dismissive and kept saying it was too early and they could not see anything at that point. I knew it was not true. I called a different hospital and they said to go in, that they would scan me. The doctor that did the scan could not find anything in the uterus. The same nightmare again. She was adamant I had miscarried, I asked her to scan me thoroughly to exclude another ectopic. She did and was positive I had nothing outside the uterus. They did a blood test to confirm my HCG had fallen and I had to go back in after 2 days for another blood test. On Monday I got scanned at my clinic, by my same doctor, she could see a small sac in the uterus and repeated the blood tests. I had conflicting results from the hospital blood work, I had not miscarried at all, or my values would have fallen, they had not. The blood test done at the clinic confirmed my HCG was perfect for the gestational age. There was hope. As a few more days went by, the bleeding had stopped. I still felt there was something wrong, I had no pain this time, but I had this strong sensation it was ectopic again. At 6 weeks I had another gush of blood… I called the clinic, they took me in on their lunch break and scanned me again. The same lovely doctor. The small sac in the uterus was of the same size. She started searching outside the uterus. There it was, a perfect sac, in my right tube. The second time around was much much worse. How can this happen twice? What did we do wrong? At the hospital the same midwife of the previous year scanned me, somehow she remembered me. We saw the heartbeat this time. I fell apart. Second surgery, I wanted the tube removed, my tubes were a curse. I got again the talk about infertility and how IVF was now my only option. No kidding. It took much longer to recover emotionally. I went from not wanting to try again to the realization that if I had gone for another IVF I would have hoped for a negative results. Despite having no tubes, I still have a chance of an ectopic. It is much reduced of course but not zero. Our fertility clinic team have been brilliant and thoroughly supportive. They never underestimate my fears and both time manage to catch the ectopic on time before it ruptured.

Then In January 2010 we tried again, a fresh cycle. We had two perfect blasts transferred and a slow day six blast which made it to the freezer. It was unsuccessful. Big Fat Negative. I admit that at this point my confidence of a pregnancy was fading fast…I started thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me and my uterus, I suggested to have a hysteroscopy done and maybe going for a fresh cycle again (frozen cycles never worked for me, what chance did a six-day blast have?). The doctors suggested to certainly have the hysteroscopy but to try with the frozen embryo. To everyone amazement, the hysteroscopy showed a thick layer of scar tissue in my uterus which likely would have affected implantation. It was removed and 6 week later I had my little frozen embryo transferred back.

Ten days later I had a positive pregnancy test. As you can imagine the joy and excitement was not there. Too many doubts, too many fears. With extreme caution we had blood tests done, they were good. At 5w I did NOT bleed, but I was a nervous wreck. At 5w1d I had a very early scan that showed a beautiful sack in my uterus . I had the chance of a normal pregnancy!! Although I cannot say I ever relaxed during the pregnancy, it was very uneventful. Perhaps emotionally I found it very difficult to ever believe things were going to be ok this time. Every week, every scan ( I had plenty!) every milestone settled an anxiety but brought up other ones. I regret now not having enjoyed it. I hope I will the next time!

My beautiful son was born on New Year’s Day 2011 and we are finally a family. All we have been through now looks so so worth it.

I know I am not alone in this experience, but I did feel very lonely at the time. I did not know of anyone having had ectopics through IVF. Until I discovered the world of bloggers. I started my own blog and found amazing support. If you are reading this, you know you are not alone, just reach out, we are here to help you through your journey and it will be a successful one.

My story is a lengthy one – no shortage of heartbreak and loss, but thankfully one with a positive ending.

I got married in June 2007, just 27 years old. We knew we wanted kids, so after about 6 months we decided to just “see what happens”. When I got (what I thought) my period at the end of January, I didn’t think much of it, it was early days. About 2 weeks later it became clear something was off, I was spotting and getting shooting pains in my lower back, the kind of pain that makes you jump.

When my GP did a pregnancy test and it was positive, I knew something wasn’t right. It took a few visits to the Early Pregnancy Unit with scans and blood tests to find out that the pregnancy was ectopic. The embryo had implanted in my left tube and at this point was too big to be treated with methotrexate, so I had keyhole surgery to remove it. I went home the next day and thankfully recovered well.

Of course we were devastated, but to be honest we just got on with it – I still had one tube remaining and we had every chance of a healthy pregnancy.

As soon as we could, we started trying again – my sister in law was pregnant with my first nephew and I dreamt of having our kids grow up together.

It took a year, but then in February 2009 a positive pregnancy test. Everything felt good, no major symptoms, no sickness, no pains or spotting like before. At 9 weeks I had an appointment in the Early Pregnancy Unit just to be sure. That was the day our life was turned upside down – the embryo had implanted in my remaining tube and again had to be removed via surgery. 14 years later I still remember so clearly the devastation and realisation that here I was, 28 years old – with IVF our only option to have a baby. We felt totally blindsided.

It was very hard – friends and families were having babies all around us. A girl I worked with had confided in me just a few weeks earlier that she was pregnant – our due dates were the same month, so I was looking her bump grow and knew that should have been mine too. It was a lonely place, we tried to get on with it, but there were days and occasions (Christenings, 1st birthdays) I just couldn’t face. Shortly after my colleague went on maternity leave, I arrived into work to find pictures of her newborn baby in my inbox. I ran and hid in the toilet and sobbed.

When I was recovering at home I started looking for support and the Miscarriage Association put me in touch with Helen, Deirdre and Jenny who had all experienced ectopic pregnancies and were trying to raise awareness. We got together and decided to set up Ectopic Pregnancy Ireland. It was what I needed – I felt my experience was leading to something positive, and I am still very proud of the work we do. Fran came on board around that time and over the years other amazing women who are focusing on the positive after their ectopic pregnancies. We are a small but mighty team.

We finally started our IVF journey early summer 2010. I was well prepared and took it one day at a time. The team in the clinic retrieved 12 eggs, 9 of them fertilised and we ended up with 6 blastocysts. We transferred one and the waiting began. Unfortunately before I even got to test date, it all went wrong again. I was spotting and getting similar symptoms to when I had my first ectopic pregnancy. A lot of back and forth over about 2 weeks – blood tests, scans, more bloods tests, more scans – eventually and to the disbelief of the staff in the clinic and the Early Pregnancy Unit I was diagnosed with another ectopic pregnancy – the embryo had found the stump of one of my fallopian tube and settled in there.

I was treated with methotrexate and later had surgery to remove what was left of my tubes.

A second IVF round failed and then finally after another break we tried again in June 2011 – the result of that cycle is our wonderful 11 year old daughter.

I’m going to be very honest – after 4 years of heartbreak, it was absolutely amazing to finally hold our baby in our arms. We had been very open and honest about our experiences, mainly to raise awareness and put word out about Ectopic Pregnancy Ireland, there were interviews on a local radio station and for papers and we even took part in an RTE programme about pregnancy and birth in Ireland in 2012. The response from friends and family was absolutely incredible.

But then it was a bit “now what” – it sounds strange, but as happy as we were, there was a lot of trauma and we both felt a bit lost. I felt very much defined by what had happened and didn’t know myself anymore. I had to go back to work, and thankfully the opportunity arose to change jobs. When I started my new job nobody knew my story, so it was very much a fresh start and I gradually figured out who I was again.

In 2016 we went back to the clinic to try for sibling for our daughter. The first cycle failed, but just before Christmas 2016 we got a positive pregnancy test. Our second daughter was born in August 2017 and our family is now very much complete.

Looking back at everything we went through, I only now realise how strong we were.

I wouldn’t wish what we went through on anyone, it will stay with us forever, but we came out the other side, it made us stronger, and it made us who we are.

You may consider me a control freak but so much of our stories all too often come back to the notion of control. We can control what we wear, what we do with our days, how we wear our hair and just about everything else that makes us who we are. Yet when it comes to the most fundamental choice we have – we are left so out of control it leaves us begging for answers.

We decided to start a family in March 2006. We had been married for three years and the time just felt right. Looking to my genes, my mother and my sisters, I didn’t think for a second that it would take any amount of time to get pregnant. It was a presumption of mine that this was my body, I was in control, this was my decision and therefore it would happen.

Eventually in January 2007 I found out I was pregnant. I had been starting to get concerned prior to this positive test, but with building a house, doing a masters I put it down to distraction and maybe an element of stress. Doctors say give it a year, and the closer it was getting to the year mark the more anxious I was getting, but the positive came and I was delighted. My husband, even though he wanted kids too, seemed less excited, this is hindsight of course but he did tell me afterwards, that he often wondered why he wasn’t excited about the pregnancy – he has strong instinct and must have just had a bad feeling from the beginning.

Our GP confirmed and we registered the pregnancy with the hospital. Never for a minute did I think anything could go wrong, again, in fact I joked to my GP when he asked was it my first pregnancy, because it was an alien idea that a pregnancy would not result in a baby.

So everything went fine. I had a small amount of blood at about 5 weeks, but it was tiny and was told it was probably implantation, I was feeling fine so didn’t think anymore about it.

I began to get some pain / uncomfort on my right side, it was never excruciating, but one evening at 7 weeks I rang my GP to be sure. My GPs locum asked if I had bleeding (no), if I had shoulder pain (no) amongst other things, but I had no other symptoms. She told me to monitor these things and if I had any of the symptoms she had listed to go to hospital. That was a Saturday and the ‘niggle’ and the pain then disappeared.

I say niggle because even without the major symptoms I had been reading up on ectopic pregnancy, it kept coming into my mind, but I had dismissed it because I was so asymptomatic. I went for a week without any pain or uncomfort and I was feeling really well.

The following Monday morning, 8 days after the call to my GP, I woke early to go to work, I felt faint, thought I needed the toilet, but fainted in the bathroom. I got myself up and went back into the bedroom and told my husband I felt unwell – I tried again to go to the toilet but again felt faint. Looking back it is hard to say I was in much pain, I remember the weakness mainly. My husband rang the hospital and explained I was 8 weeks pregnant, fainting and in pain. They said to come in, but we then realised I wouldn’t even make it down the stairs, so he rang an ambulance. By the time the paramedics arrived (about 10mins) I was losing consciousness and my husband reports me having convulsions on the bedroom floor. The paramedics kept checking for bleeding and because I had none, they suggested I had a virus and would take me to the local general hospital, In terms of pain at this stage; I recall being asked on a scale of 1 – 10 how bad was it. I answered 9, but to this day I can’t remember the pain. This is why they use the scale I suppose!

I was aware of the conversation about bringing me to the local hospital instead of the maternity hospital. My husband insisted I went to the Rotunda and I was carried into the ambulance. I was slipping in and out of consciousness all the way in and remember little of the trip in, other than the sun rising over the hill of Howth which I glimpsed out the back door of the ambulance.

In the emergency room, they again checked for bleeding and seemed confused that I wasn’t bleeding. I was put on a bed, wired up to machines and scanned – I remember all this quite vaguely, my husband was not allowed in and he later told me there was an announcement for doctors to come to the emergency room and people running from all directions. He talks of a very scary experience

At one stage there was a crowd of medics around my bed and then I heard one doctor tell me ‘we think it might be an ectopic pregnancy and we must operate, this will affect your future fertility’. This was thrown at me in the midst of mayhem – this doctor was quickly removed from the room.

I asked for my husband who came in and a new doctor explained things to us better. All this time I was conscious of another noise in the ER, that of a fetal heart monitor, emitting the wonderful, promising sound of someone else’s baby, it was a most confusing sound and looking back now it was such a surreal experience – this wasn’t happening to me.

I remember little else until I woke up in recovery. I will always say that morning in February 2007 was so much harder on my husband who was watching the whole thing unfold. He was told to prepare himself for the worst as I was taken into surgery and afterwards we were told another 15 and I wouldn’t have made it. I had massive internal bleeding from the rupture of my right tube, I had 2 blood transfusions during surgery and I lost 5 pints of blood, but most importantly my baby.

I remained in hospital for 3 days and was given a leaflet on miscarriage. There was a page in this leaflet about ectopic pregnancy which I read over and over and over again. This couldn’t have happened to me. It explained nothing.

My recovery was slow, I was very weak, I was very shocked. I think I operated in limbo for a few weeks post surgery. When the stitches fell out I wanted to keep them, it was my only link to my baby. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was, I felt like the unluckiest person in the world. I never appreciated the fact I was lucky to be alive – to me it was all about the baby I had lost and I know my attitude was frustrating for those around me.

Recovery from an ectopic is a most confusing time, surgery, grieving, fear of the future, mingled with well wishers, not understanding what an ectopic is, ‘lots of people have miscarriages’, ‘I had a miscarriage too’ telling you ‘its Gods way’, ‘there must have been something wrong’ etc, makes the process very isolating. Nobody gets that the baby was fine, just in the wrong place at the right time

The statistics imply most ectopic survivors are pregnant within the year and the loss of a tube does not massively impact on fertility. Unfortunately this was not me and after 2 and a half years of follicle tracking and clomid. I recall one day during the follicle tracking I was told the follicle was on the left side; I was delighted and convinced that this meant we would conceive that month. I was back in control, but this wasn’t to be and eventually in May 2009 we moved forward to IVF. Pre IVF tests indicated an underactive thyroid and within a month of this being balanced I was pregnant. The positive test came on the due date of the baby we lost, a positive message and time to look forward not back.

A good friend, when I told her a few months after the ectopic that I wasn’t quite 100% yet, looked at me strangely and matter of fact simply said ‘you’ll never be 100%, a little part of you has gone’.

We are not in control of our own bodies when it comes to having the babies we all so greatly desire. There is a science to what should be ours to dictate and this is difficult to accept. We don’t have the answers to the questions and we can’t just fix it. Babies we long for get surgically or medicinally removed to save our lives and this is also difficult. The strength of the maternal instinct this early in pregnancy is so strong – why can’t you save the baby?

I write this with my little boy asleep in the next room and it still doesn’t feel real, it is amazing how the 4 years that went before become irrelevant. Do I wish I never suffered an ectopic pregnancy? Of course. Would I change it? No – it’s who I am now; it’s my story and that part I can control.

I had always wanted a big family. I’ve always had a strong ‘maternal’ instinct and when we got married, children were always on the agenda. Yet for some reason, I always wondered if I would have difficulty getting pregnant. A few months before we decided to actively start trying for a baby, I remember watching a documentary on couples undergoing IVF treatment and getting more upset as I heard each story. At that stage, I had no reason to believe that might someday be us, and yet it resonated with me somehow.

The first time I did a positive pregnancy test, I was elated. Twenty four hours later I started to bleed and was in considerable pain. We weren’t at home at the time and the doctor who saw us diagnosed a miscarriage. I was told to ‘just let it happen’. It was hard to deal with but life goes on and I resigned myself to the fact that this just wasn’t meant to be. I saw my own GP about a week later who did a pregnancy test which was positive. She said that the hormones were probably still in my system but predicted that it probably was a miscarriage. She did, however, ask me if I still ‘felt’ pregnant (which I did) and so booked me in for a scan the following week. That weekend, I had severe lower back pain which got progressively worse and so I went to A&E as something was obviously not right. A scan showed that the uterus was empty but the hCG levels in my blood were high. I went in for a repeat blood test 48 hours later. I then got a phone call from the hospital to tell me to come in immediately as the levels weren’t dropping and they needed to perform a laparoscopy (keyhole surgery) to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. A few hours later I woke up from the anaesthetic to the news that I had undergone abdominal surgery during which my right fallopian tube had been removed. I was told I was ‘fortunate’ that it was caught in time as the tube was about to rupture. Those days were physically painful but emotionally I was in shock. I had lost the baby I so longed for…and my future fertility was in question (although I was reassured that both ovaries were fine, as was my remaining tube). Loving friends and family carried us through and we began to feel optimistic about the future.

Five months later, I did another positive pregnancy test. We were overjoyed but cautious. I was told that it was highly unlikely to be another ectopic pregnancy. However, I did spend some time organising my files at work with the thought that if I ended up in hospital again, someone would be able to carry on with my responsibilities. Isn’t it strange how our minds work?! Six weeks into the pregnancy I had some spotting and went straight into hospital. Again, nothing showed up on the scan, but that wasn’t unusual at such an early stage. As I continued to bleed, we ‘hoped’ this would be a miscarriage. There aren’t many women who ‘hope’ they are having a miscarriage. However, several blood tests later, our worst fears were realised. Yet again, I got a phone call from my consultant telling us to come in immediately as I would need emergency surgery. I remember the gut-wrenching sobs as I realised I was about to lose my other tube, along with any hope of conceiving naturally. This time I had keyhole surgery. The only consolation was that we were told we would be ‘ideal’ candidates for IVF. Wonderful?!! Interestingly enough, I wasn’t as concerned this time about the loss of a baby. I was far too concerned about what this would mean for our future….where having children now seemed like a far off dream.

Nowadays, I think about those two little ones as lives that were never allowed to reach their potential. They will always be a part of me.

And so our journey began along the road of assisted conception. When I am tempted to fall into a pool of self-pity, I remind myself that we had two quick, sharp shocks which thrust us onto this inevitable pathway. Other couples have to cope with month after month of hopes dashed with the absence of that second blue line on the home pregnancy test. I think it’s true to say that we’ve come to terms with the fact that this is how it is going to be and there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. However, we are SO thankful for the amazing opportunity that IVF gives to couples like us to have a family. During our first cycle, all the embryos produced were frozen due to over-stimulation. Our first attempt to have two put back failed. I think it’s true to say that that was probably my darkest moment. Thinking, “if this hasn’t worked, then what will?” But a few months later, another frozen transfer and then….nine months later, our beautiful daughter!

What has been hardest? Wondering if we would ever become a family of three, fighting feelings of jealousy and resentment when others seem to conceive so easily, guilt that my body has let us down and at time feeling consumed by the desire to have a child. What has helped us through the ups and downs of all of this? My faith in God, a strong marriage, prayer, wonderful friends and family and a determination to be as positive as I can until proved otherwise. I seem to have acquired a sixth sense for those who are experiencing fertility difficulties…it’s encouraging to feel that none of these experiences have been wasted. We recently suffered a very early miscarriage, but one day hope to provide a brother or sister for our little one.

There is plenty of light and hope to follow the darkness of an ectopic pregnancy.

As you go through an ectopic pregnancy, there is so much going on in your head that it's almost impossible to see there and then how your experience is affecting your partner/husband.

John is Deirdre's husband (her story on the tab above) and he agreed to write for us about his feelings, fears and emotions going through his mind at that time. Thank you John!

I remember when D first told me that she was pregnant, I was so so happy, my mind was racing with the excitement of the news, rocking all over the world was playing on the radio! We had the pregnancy confirmed by the GP, and we bought books, read about what would happen at each stage and we waited for the rollercoaster to begin.

Unfortunately this rollercoaster turned out to be a rocky road. When D rang me from work a few weeks later and told me that she thought that she was miscarrying I was shocked. I’d heard about miscarriage, but to be honest I wasn’t too worried. We went to the hospital for a scan, which I presumed would be ok. The doctor though said that the baby had no heartbeat and all we could do was to wait and see and for D to go home and rest. To days later however D unfortunately miscarried after resting, praying to God to leave our baby with us, feeling completely powerless and analysing every symptom. Leaving the hospital we were surrounded by new parents with their babies and I remember thinking how cruel it was to scan women with problem pregnancies in a maternity ward.

Our heads span with shock after the miscarriage. I tried to keep my spirits up for D, and everyone kept telling me to mind D, that we would have another baby, but the best bit of support that we got to be honest were people who said little but gave us hugs and understood our loss. We went to knock and I spoke to a priest there. I told him that I didn’t know if I was grieving a baby or an angel- the priest replied that I was grieving both, which really helped.

In the next few weeks D began to get on and off severe pains in her left side. Visits and scans back in the maternity ward revealed nothing. It was terrifying for me as I knew something was wrong, yet the doctors kept saying that she was fine. We decided to go on a trip to New York that we had booked months before. We travelled to the airport hotel separately. On the way I couldn’t contact D and instinctively knew that something was wrong. When I arrived in the hotel she told me that the pain was back, she doubled over in the lobby. We rushed in the car to Beaumont Hospital where they sent her by ambulance to the Rotunda Hospital. I followed in the car terrified. When we arrived in the Rotunda they did a scan and we were told that D had an ectopic pregnancy- a twin to the baby we lost a few weeks earlier. I didn’t think at this stage of another loss, I was just worried about D as it was clear that she was very ill. I walked with her while she was wheeled to the operating theatre. She was wheeled into a room there and left on her own, I went in after her because I didn’t want her to be all alone. When the nurses arrived I left the theatre. I walked in a daze to the pro cathedral and have never felt so alone and terrified in my life. It occurred to me that I might never talk to D again. I rang our families, prayed and had masses said.

When I arrived back to the Rotunda D was returning to the ward. The surgeon told me that all had gone well and that I was a lucky man that my wife was still alive. I was hard to balance how lucky I was yet how unlucky we were to lose 2 babies in one month. In the following weeks I tried to bottle it all up, stay strong for D while she was recovering, and while people meant well their sometimes poor advice and clichés did not help at all.

At Christmas time we received a silver angel Christmas tree decoration from the Miscarriage Association in the post. One night looking at it it started to spin and shine really brightly. For the first time since our losses I started to cry- for our little twins and for relief that I still had my wife with me. The words of an old teacher came to me – tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.

We have experienced more miscarriages since but are blessed with two wonderful children. I will never ever forget our little angels and my heart will always be with them.

Going through something like this as a man is very hard. Men are meant to be strong, to not show their emotions, so I am sure that the support offered by Ectopic Pregnancy Ireland will enable not only the women going through an ectopic pregnancy but also their husbands/partners. Our strength is in sharing.